Eish! To many of us, this F-word is a swear word.
I need to take you back to October 2007 when we experienced an armed robbery in the middle of the night. Five shots were fired at my ex-husband and all of them missed him miraculously. The first shot was taken less than 2 meters away from him. Divine intervention. In disbelief, I grabbed my sons out of their beds, crouched behind the bed for cover and knelt to pray. It was then that my sleepy 8-year old’s first words were: “We should forgive them…now.” Divine intervention.
Forgiveness. It is one word, but not just one action, although it takes one decision to start the process of forgiving. The word speaks for itself. It is something you give. It is a choice, a decision whether the other party deserve it or not. Forgiveness is defined by some ‘as giving up my right to hurt you, for hurting me’. It is designed to set the victim free, to break the shackles. It has nothing to do with the offender.
We all yearn to be healthy and well, but it is not always easy to do what needs to be done. Unresolved issues can go so deep that it may be affecting your physical health. Unforgiveness can even lead to symptoms of PTSD. Hanging on to grudges can lead to other serious health conditions. But the good news is that you can take control and power over this. Forgiveness lowers the risk of a heart attack, improves sleep, improves cholesterol levels, reduces pain, reduces blood pressure, lowers your level of anxiety, depression and stress.
By practicing forgiveness, you are doing your health a favor. It is a strong medicine having an overall positive impact on emotional health and well-being. It leads to more fulfilling relationships. It may not mend your relationship, but it will certainly mend your heart.
Forgiveness helps in overcoming feelings of anger, bitterness or revenge. To receive forgiveness, we need to give forgiveness. When anger and resentment are released, compassion has room to move in. Recognize that people in pain often cause pain – it will help you cultivate compassion. Jesus, in human form, taught us about compassion when He forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23: 34).
For us, forgiving is challenging and may seem unfair. Being wounded leaves us with a gut-wrenching pain that hits in the pit of our stomachs.
Here are some reasons why you should forgive:
· It sets you free.
· You move on with your life.
· It begins your healing process.
· It removes malice from your heart.
· You no longer give someone else authority over your mind and heart.
· You will have peace of mind.
· It helps you to avoid the victim mentality.
· Harboring anger can overflow into your other relationships.
Unforgiveness creates a snowball effect. A grievous hurt can disrupt your inner world - we may concentrate on our turmoil and pain. Pain can become the identity of the unforgiving person. It changes your character. It’s hard to love others if you carry hate in your heart. It comes between you and God.
Forgiving does not mean you are condoning their actions. There will still be consequences for the offender to face, but you are released from the pain. Use trials and tribulation as a learning school - they may not be desired or easy, but they help us love. Forgiveness helps you heal. It helps you to continue with a lighter heart.
Forgiveness is a skill you can develop and can be divided into steps:
1. Reflect and remember – how the hurt and anger affected you.
2. Empathize – place yourself in his/her shoes.
3. Forgive deeply and sincerely – let it become a part of who you are.
4. Let go of expectations of getting a ‘sorry’– avoid disappointment.
5. Decide to forgive – it is not a feeling, it is a choice.
6. Forgive yourself – you may be causing your own hurt.
7. Learn that the hurt is a reality of the past, but use forgiveness to bring you closure.
“To err is human; to forgive, divine”- Alexander Pope
Commit to become forgivingly fit. Practice by building your forgiving heart muscles slowly but surely. Be determined that you are going to forgive, no matter what. Pride may weaken your efforts to forgive, giving you a sense of entitlement. Practice humility. Practice small acts of mercy. You don’t have to say good things but start by not saying negative things. Let go of the desire for vengeance.
Start…and never quit forgiving. If hurt or unforgiveness surface (and it will), decide to forgive again. It’s not a process to rush. Forgive smaller things first. Don’t dwell on the hurtful event, forgive until it fades into a memory. Hold on to compassion with patience until you succeed.
Forgiveness is eliminating the negativity that results from hurt by letting go of emotional baggage. If you dwell on hurtful occasions, hostility take root. Wrapped up in the wrong, you can’t enjoy the present. Forgiveness is possible, even if reconciliation is not. It is for our own growth and happiness. It frees us to live in the present. Holding on to anger brings you down.
There are also helpful tips on an expert developed program: REACH http://www.stlcw.com/Handouts/Forgiveness_using_the_REACH_model.pdf#:~:text=Martin%20Seligman%2C%20Ph.D.%20discusses%20the%20REACH%20model%20of,model%20can%20help%20you%20learn%20how%20to%20forgive.
R – recalling the incident – process the anger and hurt.
E – empathizing without minimizing – put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
A – altruism – looking at forgiveness as a gift you give, if not to others, then to yourself.
C – commit by telling someone else – talk to a close friend, or life coach.
H – hold on to your choice to forgive.
I hope your misconceptions about forgiveness are cleared. There is no quick formula, not one singular action, but there is a process. We each have our own timelines. It takes effort, but it is all worth it in the end.
Regain personal power, instead of giving power to the other person. Clear the cobwebs so that you can see the good again.
Forgiveness begins and ends with you.
You can be bitter or you can be better.
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