“Go and stand in the rubbish bin. That’s where the rubbish should be.” I don’t know what led to these words, but this was the remark of a teacher to one of the learners in his class a few years back. The Grade 6 child obeyed and climbed into the bin. The man laughed and said: “I was only joking.” To this day, I still wonder if the parents of this child ever found out about this incident in the classroom. I also wonder what has become of the child. Did this remark have any influence on his identity?
The other day I told a friend of mine that sarcasm or a ‘joke’ is only a joke if both parties are laughing. What is sarcasm? “Sarcasm is the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” The origin of the word comes from the Greek word ‘sarkazein’, meaning ‘to tear flesh’. These words ‘to tear flesh’ became a metaphor, meaning ‘speaking bitterly’. My research took me to Mark 15:17-20 where the religious dressed Jesus in a purple robe, gave Him a crown of thorns, saluted Him, and made sport of Him. The mocking continued at the crucifixion in Golgotha (Mark 15: 29-32).
Many of us have someone in their life— a boss, a colleague, a friend or a family member who loves sarcasm as a way to communicate. Their ‘teasing’ may be well-meaning, but it may also be on the brink of being mean. The words they speak, is not always what the victim hear. Why do people resort to being sarcastic?
Sarcasm is a way to express yourself, and is usually used because of:
insecurity – using sarcasm is a way of avoiding direct confrontation, or fear to ask/say what they really want
anger – passive aggression are used to dominate the situation
social awkwardness (another insecurity)– to lighten the mood, or to keep the conversation going
Genuine interaction should always be encouraged above teasing, even though it may be lighthearted. Sarcasm should never serve as a cover-up for insecurity, anger, or social awkwardness. Passive aggressiveness is a misuse of language, but not every sarcastic remark is passive aggressive. It is still necessary to distinct between sarcasm and passive aggressiveness.
Sarcasm is a way to say something, but meaning the contrary. The other person may get it, or not. Sarcasm is generally conscious. It is a choice. You can keep yourself from being sarcastic, but it’s much harder to keep yourself from displaying passive aggressiveness. Sarcasm directed at an individual is also an indicator that someone doesn’t have the courage to come right out and say whatever is bothering them.
Passive aggressiveness is indirect, like sarcasm, but it is a reflex due to habits. What makes them differ the most is that sarcasm is generally conscious while conflict avoidance, passive resistance and passive avoidance tend to be a reflex due to habits. If you are dealing with someone who is predictably sarcastic, remember that sarcasm becomes a habit. As a result, a sarcastic person is likely to refute any suggestion from you that sarcasm might be hostile and cowardly. We hear the term passive-aggressive often to describe someone whose orientation is sarcastic. It means that on the surface, the person’s words and actions are neutral, but that underneath them lies a second layer of meaning which is aggressive. It doesn’t mean wavering between the two; it means both at once. Sarcasm is passive-aggressive speech.
Sarcasm is NOT humor. It’s hostility. And it makes people feel bad. Sarcasm is unsettling. Some may even say that sarcasm is a sign of high intelligence. No! Wit, that is well-developed, is a sign of high intelligence. That’s why you take offense when someone says something sarcastic to you. When you react on that, the person can say that he/she was just kidding. The fact is, if it does not feel like kidding, it is veiled criticism.
For some of us (like me) who identify as highly sensitive person, sarcasm is plain biting. The hearer can even smile, but cringe on the inside. Whether people show it or not, most respond negatively to it. It is almost never appreciated. Many times, after being the victim of sarcasm, the answer that I should have given, come to me an hour or so afterwards. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I do not really enjoy small talk – I don’t always think on my feet. It is not only because I think it’s a waste of time.
Sarcasm is the least genuine form of communication, and it can be hurtful. What is the best way to react to sarcasm?
Forgive. Our first example of how to handle sarcasm or teasing, we see in Mark 15 and again in Luke 23 where Jesus was mocked as ‘The King of the Jews’. What did Jesus do? Jesus did not react at all! You can also use the “Genuine Approach”, where you take everything they say as a genuine comment without the sarcastic tone.
You can describe the distress you feel when a sarcastic remark is directed at you. Perhaps you feel minimized; perhaps criticized; perhaps even showered with contempt. Helping someone see how painful such comments feel to you, regardless of the conscious intention of the speaker, has the potential to relieve you of having to endure sarcasm from them.
Remember that you have the right to experience discomfort in the presence of someone’s sarcasm. Your flesh is being torn, or the flesh of someone else is being torn in your presence. Sarcasm is not clever wordplay. Wit is clever wordplay. Encourage wit.
If you find you tend toward sarcastic remarks yourself, ask yourself what you’re truly trying to convey to the other person. Maybe you can find a more direct way to say it. Or maybe it will be better left unsaid.
Choose your company wisely.
Frustration and anger arise regularly throughout the course of a day and sarcasm may become the outlet. Though aggressive in its core nature, sarcasm is socially acceptable violence – disguised as humor and often unintentional. So, you deliver it as a ‘joke’ – a mean one. There’s no risk of being taken seriously, since you were ‘only being sarcastic,’ and you have delivered your point. Those on the receiving end of sarcasm become used to it, often ‘laughing it off.’
Remember: sarcasm often comes at a very high human cost, both for the person issuing the sarcastic comment and the person on the receiving end of it.
Colossians 4: 6: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you know how to answer everyone.”
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